(Detail from World Record Club album 'Philharmonia Fireworks' designed by Guus Van der Heyde)
I know that someone famous said that there is nothing more boring than hearing about other people's dreams. That has, however, never has, and never will stop me. So, here goes: Last night I had a very annoying dream. It woke me up early in the morning, all full of fretfulness, my mind on a loop. I think it was a travel dream. Did I mention that I am going overseas soon? No? Only 22 days to go. I am beginning to bore myself talking about it. Other people must be stupefied (it has, after all, been about five years in the planning. And saving). That has, however, never has, and never will stop me.
Anyway, in this boring, annoying dream, I was watching a fireworks display. But all that happened was a bunch of little worm-like forms whizzed up into the sky, without actually exploding. When some of these worms finally did explode, they were always frustratingly at the periphery of my vision. Turn my head as I might, I could only catch a glimpse of the afterglow. I felt cheated.
I realised that I have been putting so much store in this one little 5 and 1/2 week holiday. It is what I do. I am a very good anticipator. I divide my life into 'befores' and 'afters'. The 'afters' are usually not as much fun as the 'befores'. So I have learned to cherish the 'befores'. The fact is, that plans do go awry. Awful, unfair things happen to people all the time. Why should I be immune?
I have been so wary of tempting fate in these last few weeks. I keep imagining absentmindedly driving into someone. I imagine being blindsided. I imagine that every phone call will bring unthinkable news. A trip to the hardware store today had me gripping the wheel with white knuckles. These neuroses are, of course, just a necessary form of self-protection. But I know that the real reason is that the closer I get to happiness, the more likely it is that all my dear old neuroses will rocket to the surface. I will be eternally grateful if they do not explode.